Okay. We are still collecting stories, writing up articles, and working on the website so that we can have the official launch of Lesbopolitan coming to you this Fall!
Since it is Monday, and on Monday's we will be sharing Love Stories, I thought in the mean time before the launch, I would give you a real post today!
My story is going to be much longer than what you will be reading on Lesbopolitan in the future, but I figured as your founder of Lesbopolitan and Editor & Chief- You might want to know more about my story.
So here is my Coming out and Love Story...grab a snack or a glass of wine...this is basically a very long chapter in a book :)
I moved to Nashville in 2010. I had been technically homeless, living in my car for most of that past year. I had started the journey from the West Coast (I am originally from Northern, CA). I wasn't alone however, I was with an ex. This relationship was very toxic, very unstable, and extremely emotionally abusive. I am not going to get into the details of this relationship (some things are just too personal) but just know that I was far from happy.
So I moved to Nashville in 2010. The van that we were living in started having car troubles once we pulled into Nashville. Our goal was to get to New York, but we didn't trust that the van would take us much farther, and I had the strangest feeling that I needed to be in Nashville.
So we stayed.
I was miserable. I had no friends, no family, no idea what the hell I was doing here. I was miserable in a relationship for ALL the wrong reasons, and the amount of guilt and shame I had inside of me for all the mistakes I had made along the way to get to Nashville, was weighing on me so much, it felt like I had all the oceans on my chest. So I attempted suicide within the first month of living in Nashville. Again, something I prefer not to go into detail of, but it was one of the worst nights of my life, and not even the suicide part necessarily (obviously that was horrible)...it was the way I was treated because of attempting this, that sent me into a very unstable mental state of mind.
I went into a very dark place that night. I hated everything about myself. Everything.
I got a job that I felt good about at first, but it ended up being a negative environment for me to be in, but at least I was around people.
The next year and half of being in Nashville are very much so a blur. I was a walking dark cloud...I even lost some friends that I had made due to me being "too depressing to be around" I felt so utterly alone. At this point I was living on my own, I had my own car, I had my own income, but I was still in a very strange and unhealthy relationship.
Things finally came to an end with that person, and I was filled with so much confusion. I was heartbroken because I was losing their family, I was also furious because I had moved my entire life across the country from my family, and had upset MANY people in the process. I felt I had no where to go. I still hated Nashville, I was now truly alone. I wanted to run home to my family, but I was too prideful for that. I wanted everyone at home to think I was happy. They knew better, of course.
Time went by, and I slowly collected myself. I remember the first time I looked in the mirror one morning and caught my reflection- I looked back at her, and I felt for a flash of a moment that I was a good person, and that I was going to be ok.
Single, and very confused. While I was in a relationship with the ex- I had grown feelings for a friend that I was spending time with (a girl)...my sexuality was something that I had spent all of my childhood and teenage years perfecting the art of oppression and suffocation.
I grew up in a religious household, I believed with my whole heart, and I feared hell more than anything. So I did what every person does that is afraid off hell-just pretend and hopefully your feelings will change.
So I dated boys, and kept my crushes to myself. It was pretty easy for me, because-
A. I am a natural flirt, so pretty much everyone thinks I like them.
B. I am super feminine so no one really suspects someone like me to like girls.
Having those things going for me was good for me then, but not so much after I came out (a story for another time)
SO, while I was still dating the ex, and having strong feelings for this girl, I had the realization that as I was getting older, my sexuality wasn't fading, it was actually beginning to shout at me! So once I became single, this was extremely difficult for me.
I could...go to the gay clubs and bars and just be "out"here in Nashville, but what if someone back at home found out? I was still a straight, christian woman to everyone back at home. I decided that I wasn't ready to come out. I wanted to just be single for a while and figure out what I wanted to do with my life.
So here I was- single, living alone in Nashville, trying to move on, but it was still very messy when it came to my past. I began to imagine what it would be like to be with a woman, I pictured calling my family, and having them tell me I was the biggest disappointment they have ever had. I imagined my friends feeling uncomfortable around me. I imagined no one ever being able to love me because of my very messy past. I sat there at my kitchen table, the day before Easter Sunday, feeling like there was no hope. I could never come out, I was too damaged, worthless, I wore guilt and shame like it was going out of style, I hated Nashville, my job, and myself.
What was the point?
This was it. I was going to truly end my life. I lived alone, I was going to be alone on Easter Sunday, no one would be there to find me, and no one would be there to stop me. It was perfect. I sat at my kitchen table that night writing letters to my family and friends. I went to my bedroom and rested my head on my pillow. I felt nothing and everything at the same time. It was the strangest feeling in the moment to think that was my last night on earth.
My phone rang...I ignored it...but it seemed to get louder and louder and I looked at who it was- a friend I had worked with when I first moved to Nashville. I answered.
She began to tell me she wasn't sure why she was calling, apologizing for not knowing what was going on in my life. She started to cry-I didn't know why she felt so bad, considering I had no clue what was going on in her life. She said she felt like she just needed to reach out to me and that she wanted to invite me to a Easter Sunday Party at a friends house for people who weren't going to be home for the "Holiday". I said no, but thank you for thinking of me, and that it was sweet of her to call. I wasn't a very social person, and I had really bad anxiety when it came to meeting new people.
When I got off the phone I felt this crazy feeling-the same one I felt when I first got into Nashville and felt I needed to be here. The feeling was telling me to go to this thing. So I called her and told her yes.
The next day-the day that I had planned to be alone and end my life-ended up being just that. An end to a life, and a beginning to a new life.
She picked me up and we drove around-windows down, sunshine on my face...I felt alive. I felt like crying right then and there- I would have already missed this moment if I had been gone. This simple moment of driving in my car with the sun on my face and an old friend sitting next to me catching me up on her life. I would have missed this.
My emotions were all over the place that day, but I mostly felt thankful I had said yes to hanging out with her.
We got to the house that the Easter party was at. My stomach fell to the ground. What was I doing here? I didn't know anyone...and she said there were going to be a lot of people there. I felt super awkward, I was wearing a very bright colorful printed yellow dress, it was my first time wearing color in forever. I felt embarrassed before I even got to the doorstep with my choice in clothing.
But that feeling was saying "GO NATALIE GO!!"
So I knocked on the door.
The most beautiful person I had ever seen answered the door. She smiled instantly as she opened the door. Her smile was like every sunset and sunrise you have ever seen. Her smile was all your best childhood memories in one moment. Her smile was every moment in your life that made you feel alive. Her smile made me smile, for the first time in a very, very long time. A real smile. My cheeks hurt from just one smile.
Her eyes. The brightest blue, and filled with so much confidence and depth.
We talked for maybe 30 seconds in that first moment, but already I had determined that she was the most confident human being I had ever met. I wanted to know her. I knew I had to know her.
And just like that I was swept into a crowd of 60-70 people. Everyone was so nice. I was shaking hands and attempting to seem like a normal person...not the suicide-letter writing person I was the night before. It seemed to be working.
She found me later on and attempted to talk to me.
"Where are you from?"
California.
"Do you miss it?"
No.
"Do you miss your family?"
Not really. (sorry fam...so much has changed since then!)
Poor girl. I wasn't a very interesting person to talk to. Mostly I didn't know how to talk to her. Her confidence was just so intriguing to me. I had truly never met someone like this.
And then...everyone gathered around in one of the rooms, and shared songs. Everyone shouted for her to go first...so she smiled, and did.
I had never in my life heard something like this before. I was completely mesmerized.
When we left, I purchased her music (not proud of this-but it was the first time I purchased music on iTunes...legally) I went to sleep with her voice in my ears that night.
She left for 2 weeks for a little tour. In that two weeks I felt incredibly confused still.
I didn't want to get into a relationship, and I also still felt so torn between coming out or continuing to be with men.
I just wasn't sure it was possible to have a relationship with a woman.
Fast forward 2 weeks, and I am hanging out with her roommates the night she gets back from tour.
We are all outside enjoying wine and cigars. She sits next to me-and when her leg touched mine, I felt an electric spark rush through my entire body. Something I know I had never even come close to when it came to a man. She started to flirt with me, and I was in a state of ecstasy almost...just from flirting.
I knew there was something there. Something big. Something I couldn't ignore even if I tried to.
A couple more times of hanging out, and after a day out on a friends boat on the lake, she invited me to lunch. She told me, she wasn't sure where I was with anything, but that she liked me very much.
I have been told that before. "I like you...I love you..." But when she told me, it was different. I actually felt excited and surprised! I knew whatever my response was, was going to change everything.
"I like you, too. A lot actually."
So there it was. The two off us sitting in a window at a little cafe, wearing the biggest smiles anyone probably had ever seen. I wanted to hold her hand, but I was scared.
It wouldn't be until our first date, which was two days later, that we would share our first hand hold, and kiss.
I knew before we kissed that this was different than anything before. But when we kissed...that was it. I knew she was it. I knew it. I may not of been able to admit it quite then...because of fear, but deep down I knew.
2 weeks passed, and I was the happiest I had ever been. We hung out every day. So many dates, adventures, and laughter.
One morning I woke up, and she was laying next to me. So perfect, with her big pillowy lips and long brown curls. I smiled just watching her sleep. I knew she was the one. The one that was worth losing everyone over. So I decided that was the moment I was going to come out. I had to. This was not a phase, this was the life I had only dreamt of all these years. The life I didn't think was possible. My family and friends deserved the chance to be apart of what brought the sunshine back into my life.
So I called my parents, my best friend, and a few other friends and family members.
I was prepared for the worst. But I was pleasantly surprised.
My parents responded very similarly. Shocked at first, but that followed by,
"Natalie, we love you no matter what. You are my daughter, my love is unconditional."
I was in shock. I was sure that would be one of my last conversations with my parents.
I now know that they both were upset after getting off the phone with me, but I understand. They had different plans for me, and this was not in their plans at all. I knew they needed time.
I got off the phone that morning feeling so much freedom.
But just like that- the fear came flooding in. They knew. What were people going to think of me now? What were people from my hometown going to say about me? What are the rumors going to be like?
AM I GOING TO HELL??????????
I was so scared of everything I had grown up hearing in the church. I was sure I was going to hell.
But how come this was the first time I didn't feel shame or guilt about a relationship? How come this was the first time I felt happiness? How come this was the first time I felt like I was truly myself?
How could something that frees me from guilt, shame, and helps me find happiness and joy...send me to hell?
It just didn't seem right. Something seemed VERY off about the whole thing.
But I didn't want to leave my faith. I wanted to find out what I believed on my own though...without anyone telling me what I should believe. What made sense to me?
Over the next six months, I battled with the most intense feelings of happiness and confusion of sadness at the same time. I was so in love, so happy with my girlfriend, but I had so much fear of hell, that it was making me feel hopeless again.
While my girlfriend was away on a 3 month long writing trip, I began to feel alone again. I clearly had a lot of issues to work through with myself, but the most intense feelings were a sense of shame and guilt for being in love with a woman. I was sure I was going to hell. I was so scared of it. There was nothing I could do to change how I felt about women though. But I also had my religious background engrained in my head. I sat there at the edge of my bed, alone in my apartment...praying for god to change me. Praying for him to come down and tell the world it was ok. I was ok. I was good just the way I was. But I knew that wasn't going to happen. So I grabbed a knife and begin cutting into my wrist, over and over and over.
I then had the face of my girl come into my head, her smile. I freaked out and called a friend, I told her I needed her to come over, I was in trouble. She came as fast as she could, and bandaged me up, and held me all night.
I then had to tell my girlfriend what I had done. She was heartbroken, but her response was nothing but love and concern. The opposite of the response I had received in the past.
I promised her that I would never hurt myself again. I have kept that promise.
Not too long after she returned from her writing trip, we came across a pod cast from a pastor here in Nashville. He did an entire week long sermon on Homosexuality. He broke down every single verse in the bible or parts of the bible that refer to it (there are hardly any). He didn't just read the verse and say "See folks, god hates fags"
He actaully dissected what was going on in the bible at that time...what was going on surrounding that verse. It was incredible. The sermon didn't end with an absolute answer, but it did end with a pastor admitting that the bible really is unclear about this, Jesus himself, never says anything about homosexuality. That has got to count for something.
So thus began my spiritual journey. I began reading other books on religion, reading the bible more in depth, and opening my ears up at church to what was actually being said. Every Sunday I felt more sure that this was much more of a business than anything else. I felt less connected every Sunday. I kept reading, and the more knowledge I received outside of the church, the more I began to come to the place where I am now.
We don't have any of the answers. We can't possibly truly know if there is a god or not. That is why it is called Faith.
So for me personally, over time, I came to the conclusion that this belief system I had been a part of all my life, was not necessary for me to be a good person. I am fully capable of loving others, and doing good to others and for the world-without strings attached.
It took a couple years for me to get to a place of true confidence with my beliefs, but when I got there, it was like I had been reborn. I no longer walked with fear in one hand and guilt in the other. My arms held high above my head- free.
I didn't leave the church with a bad taste in my mouth, I didn't have an awful experience, I just found my own journey. I will always respect how I was raised, and always respect others beliefs. Diversity is one of the beautiful things that makes the world go round.
There are so many stories I could share with what happened over the next several years, but I am going to fast ward a bit.
Remember that girl with the smile and the big blue eyes?
That girl also happened to be the girl that got down on one knee in Brooklyn, NY on New Years Eve and proposed to me at the beginning of 2014. I said yes!
us on our wedding day. Photo by: breezy baldwin
my mom and my wife on our wedding day. happiness.joy. photo by: heather leroy
Today, as I write to you all, sitting at my desk in my downtown city apartment, that I share with my wife...I just can't believe how far I have come. It has been a little over 4 years since my wife and I started dating. I have grown so much, she has grown so much, we have grown so much.
Life has not been perfect. Far from. But I wouldn't change sharing this life with her for anything. She has encouraged me to go after my dreams, she has helped me see my potential, she has helped bring the confidence back into my life, she is truly my angel.
My advice to anyone wanting to come out, is do not wast time. We have one life on this earth, and the people that truly love you, will be happy for you. They will want you to experience love, joy, and happiness. They will want you to be the person you are meant to be. There will always be people who are unhappy with you, disappointed, disgusted, ashamed, etc. Those people are not your people. Those people do not understand love. Those people do not deserve a place in your life. For every person that will hate you or be disappointed, there will be 10 people that will love you and be proud of you. Most people want others to be happy and experience true love. If you are afraid, remember there are millions of others who have been where you are. Please, do not give up. When I think back on the times that I could have very well been gone forever, and missed out on marrying the love of my life, missed out on making new friends and family, missed out on all that has happened since then...it amazes me to think- What if?
You just never know.
We ALL deserve the best chance at life.
I could never have imagined my life where it is today, but I am more free, more myself, more healthy, and happy then ever before.
My mom has said it best.
"Your light is back. My little girl is back."
She's right. My light is back. My youthfulness is back. Only love and authenticity can create the kind of light that others can see. And I am not ashamed of my light, I went through hell to get to where I am...free.
my wife and i kissing in florence, italy on our honeymoon
rooftop in rome, italy
don't let the ones who fear living, determine how you live.
xoxx,
natalie r. sinclair
